I Promised............

The past 2 days, I tba-tiba rasa cam sedih. Cam rasa empty je this little heart of mine. Terasa pelik and wonder jugak lah cos baru last week happy je. Nak kata I miss my family tak pulak cos I just talked to them on the weekend. Nak blame it on the draw ngan Reading last Sunday, tak make sense pulak cos I got over it (trying very hard) the next day. And further more, Tuesday is my futsal nite so selalu nya excited giler lah but somehow cam takde mood and was playing half heartedly je. I didn’t enjoy the game at all. But I did a good sweat out of it though.

That feeling continued today and it made me worried. I finally got to sit down and try to figure out what is wrong after I came back from lunch today. I took a quick lunch and I got the whole office to myself as the others tak balik lagi. It was a good thinking session as I figured out the reason for the sadness and emptiness I am feeling.

I am sad because I know you are sad. I am upset because I know you are upset. It happened every single month since we got married. You might not cry now but I can hear it in your voice how sad and disappointed you are. I can see in your eyes that wanting and longing feeling every single time you hold your nephew and niece. I know how you wish it is your own son or daughter you’re holding and cuddling, not someone else. I know, sad it is for me to say, you somehow feel that I don’t really care or even bother if we ever be blessed with a child of our own.

I do care. I want a child of my own too. I am sad and disappointed too when you told me that you’re having your period but I chose to not show it because I know I kena be strong for you. It saddens me because I tak boleh do anything much to make you feel better other than saying “We will try again. Insya Allah, kalau rezeki, it will come.” It saddens me for letting you wait for another month to know if we succeed. It saddens me because I failed once again to give you what you want badly….we want badly.

I promised you that I will make you happy for the rest of your life and that is a promise I intend to keep. We are in these together ok? I promise I do whatever you want me to do to make it work. Drink more soya bean? I buy Jenny Hong’s soya bean every day. Eat more taugeh? I eat everything with taugeh...taugeh is a must in my meals now. Drink less ice water? I drink hot water only..even after futsal. Just tell me, and I do it. More sex? Well, by all means, more sex it is then.

And yang, no matter what happens, I always love you.